Went to sleep too late this morning, 3:33AM... Granted I'm probably still on Los Angeles time.
Insomnia has been my friend for quite sometime. I even took melatonin to help and it finally knocked me out.
I was binge watching this series on Netflix called Unbelieveable.
Spoiler alert, it was about a young girl in and out of foster care who told her rape story to the police and all her friends and after her own foster mother cast doubt in the minds of the police no one believed her. They convinced her to say she'd made the story up.
She was slandered by the whole town and accused and convicted for false reporting.
The serial rapist who left no trace was being tracked down by two female police officers in another city after another incident was reported.
It was riveting, i had to watch all 5 episodes. Hence my not falling asleep till 3 in the morning.
My father woke me up by saying we were going out for breakfast and coffee.
I got myself together and we headed out.
While we were out my kids called me from their dads tablet.
We got disconnected maybe about 3 times in the midst of that I was asking them to please put the tablet down and back up so that I can see them.
The picture was blurry and I miss them. I wanted to just have a look at my sweet angels.
I had to ask them repeatedly to put the table down in a way i could see them and stop moving all around.
I felt frustrated.
My ex husband was there with them on the phone and I told him about my dream.
About how in the dream hugged him and asked him "Why does it have to be like this, I love you."
He was wearing a cowboy hat, I said, you look like you should be here in Texas with me.
I joked, "You want to move our family to Texas and get married again?"
The thought of the unrealistic fantasy made me cry.
I felt frustrated.
Then, pops and I went to a store they have here called H.E.B.
A friend of mine Butt dialed me while I was there & it just so happened that the store is owned by, "The Butt family."
I sent some messages to this friend regarding the coincidence, wanting to converse, not much of a response.
I felt frustrated.
Today, I owe $120 for my phone bill, and I had been waiting on a deposit from work since Friday.
I felt frustrated.
The frustration was as a result of things beyond my control.
The spotty service on my kids call, waiting for payment, friend not conversing with me, the reality of being a single woman who still desires deeply for my family to be complete all pushing me toward frustration.
I cried, sat with it, released it, let it be, did not judge it, surrendered it in prayer.
My focus shifted to the beautiful clear blue sky and shining sun, the expansive scenery, the fluffy cats I got to pet, the conversation I had with my kids, the fact that pops and I were getting along, my belly was full, the coffee I drank was a tasty double shot Mocha and I had taken my vitamins.
We got back to the house, I sorted the money thing out and I sat down to write this.
My step mom is baking an apple crisp for Thanksgiving, it smells nice.
I'm grateful for the opportunity I have being here, to slow down and hold space for myself in my emotions.
Theres no reason or rationale sometimes for feeling some type of way in a moment.
It is what it is.
Let your emotions be, don't try to control them.
Let go of your judgments about what it means about you, about your progress or lack therof.
Theres nothing wrong with feeling sad or frustrated and it's possible to feel this even amidst the beauty around you.
God gives us his common grace even if you don't believe it.
We always have an opportunity to shift our focus from things that are out of our control to things that are within our control.
To stop and appreciate what we DO have, instead of what we DO NOT have in any given moment.
In light of Thanksgiving tomorrow. What are you grateful for today?
Let me know in the comments.
I love you.
