Woke up to a howling dog in the backyard. I was ecstatic.
My father doesn't have a dog so naturally I was wondering what happened here.
I ran out with the excitement of a little girl on Christmas morning.
I found a strap from the outside shed and immediately took the dog out for a walk.
If you know me, you know that in my "normal life" I walk dogs for work.
I love it. I love working with animals more than humans these days because humans have trauma and idiosyncracies to navigate.
My father is surely one of those people.
He is a conservative Christian, but he's no stranger to a life of debauchery as he was a touring musician in the 70's.
My existence alone speaks to a not so "Christian" way of living he was once accustomed to in the 80's.
He is 78 now. It's his belief that I am to "Sit down, Shut up" & "Grow Up"
I do believe I have a lot to gain by listening to my father. There is no doubt about that.
He has lived a full life and has many golden nuggets of wisdom to impart on me before he passes away.However the expectation that he would be able to jam a full life of lessons into one week is unrealistic.
I see how his heart is to teach me as much as he can while I am here.
I see how he believes that because he is older that would mean wiser and it seems to mean that what I have to say is of no importance, but is that true?
In some ways, perhaps that is true. However, If one does not see the value in learning from their children, well that is not something one can teach.
I can't even begin to go over the specifics of our disagreement this morning.
It seems so petty, however it was more about a principle for me, a woman who has endured many traumas at the hand of men in my life up until this point.
I've been ruffling the feathers of men since I can remember.
My step-dad who raised me, not my biological father, was one of the first examples I had.
He had a hot head, an uncontrolled temper.
He would frequently raise his voice to me as a little girl and I would suffer stomach aches and gut issues as a result.
He is now Buddhist and does his best to curb that side of him.
That experience with him and the experience I had being with my ex husband who would also frequently raise his voice to me, instilled a strict boundary in me.
I will not converse with someone who is raising their voice at me. I have a strict no tolerance policy for this. I work HARD not to raise my own voice at my children and I am not perfect but I am doing my best.
When someone is yelling at you, it is potentially traumatic to your nervous system.
Today, I did not allow my father to continue to raise his voice at me.
I went into my bathroom and locked the door to calm myself.
I did not cry this time, because I did not make his inability to curb his anger with me, mean theres something wrong with me. Which I did used to do as a child. It's called internalizing.
Multiple relationships in my life have shown me that if I am quiet and I do not express my truth I will be loved and accepted.
If I do express myself, however or speak up, I will be rejected and told I am wrong, or abandoned.
Today I say, so be it. I would rather be "rejected" and "abandoned" than live under the thumb of a domineering, controlling, tyrant.
What is it about a woman's truth that is so upsetting to the patriarchy?
That we may be "right"?
That we may have some level of insight they do not have and that would topple their fragile identity of self?
The idea that I am supposed to sit down, shut up, roll over, submit to his ideas and ways feels oppressive.
Makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
Lack of Trust.
How can you trust, someone or something to care for you when they have not really been in and around your life for so long?
Is not trust something to be earned?
I do my best to Trust and Respect my father, both on Earth and in Heaven.
I don't have a ton of evidence to trust this man I've begun relationship with in 2009. Especially since in the past 5 days since I have been here, today is the fourth incident we have had.
The trust was broken the first time he got triggered by my opposing perspective.
So, what is the conclusion of all this?
A person must learn their own boundaries.
They must learn how to uphold and assert those boundaries, without guilt or shame, especially in the face of manipulation or gaslighting.
When I was a little girl I learned to abandon myself in these situations, for survival.
I am here now and am doing this work now to protect this precious little girl inside of me.
I am here to hold her and tell her it will be okay because I got her now.
My biggest gift has been this journey of learning to create a safe space within myself.
This safe space is impenetrable. I wont allow myself to be penetrated at this time, quite literally.
What I am learning is, it is up to God what will become of me. I DO have FAITH in that.
Right now, God does not want me to be penetrated.
God and I are creating a sacred home inside of me and building new foundations.
When the time comes, where I am opening my door, my foundation will be so solid, I will not crumble. I will say, thank you for coming to my home, you may go.
When you hold onto what is not meant for you, you will find yourself confused, longing and suffering.
It's time to take a stand. For that little boy or girl inside who needs you.
How will you be the Home for your inner child today?
Let me know in the comments.
I love you.