Woke up this morning again, hypervigilant. So I closed my eyes again and had a dream I was carrying my music equipment up a steep hill. My ex husband was there with his new girlfriend. He was driving the car and wearing her sunglasses as I removed my music equipment from the car. I looked at him and said, "I love you, why does it have to be like this?"
We hugged.
I woke up sobbing.
I ran to my father who hugged me and told me it was just a dream and, I know it seems real but it was just a dream.
The truth is, it isn't "just" a dream.
It's my hearts truth manifested in my dream brining about an emotional response because, the truth is, being with & divorcing my husband destroyed me.
When I initiated the divorce in 2019 I was shattered.
I was a Christian, I was never going to get divorced. It wasn't in my plan or my heart or my thoughts,
Why did I do it then?
Truthfully, I felt pushed into it. I felt like my husband had already left the relationship. I felt alone and worthless, I felt desperate and I pleaded with him to see how crushed I was by our disputes and the inability to reconcile between us and how that was destroying me.
It was as if there was nothing I could do to be in his good graces. As if everything I did was to be wrong or criticized.
I felt I had no other options but to divorce him. I couldn't be married to a person I did not feel safe with. I was walking on eggshells in fear of moving in any direction. No matter which direction is was perceived and interpreted as wrong.
One of my biggest fears was manifest in that dynamic.
I never wanted to be "wrong." Who does?
Somehow though In my marriage I was and I couldn't handle that.
Even after I filed for divorce it was two years before it was finalized, and even two more years before we had significant space between us.
That time is now.
It's interesting how the body responds later than expected.
It's been a mission of mine in the present to no longer suppress the emotions I experience on a daily basis, so that they would be fully felt and processed in the moment.
So this morning, when I woke up crying, I went into it deeper to allow myself that moment fully.
It's a method I use to not stop or supress or judge the feelings.
Here's what can happen. We can experience something traumatic and the emotional response gets surpressed.
Then, it begins to afflict us in other ways, with health issues becoming manifest.
How do we prevent our stuck emotions from manifesting physically in ailments?
We FEEL what we FEEL in the moment FULLY, without judgment or suppression.
When we allow ourselves to FEEL and GO DEEPER into that place we RELEASE it.
What do you feel is STUCK in your body and how can you hold space for yourself to release it and SURRENDER it to God?
Let me know in the comments.
Love you.
God loves you.
It will be okay.
Keep going.
We are tested through trials and it has the opportunity to produce perseverance and strength.
Allow your trials to sharpen you.
Allow your struggles to give you strength.
Rejoice in each day.
Amen.
