Before I was married, before I had kids, it was all I thought about.
I thought it would be the answer to my insatiable longing.
I was obsessed with wanting to get married and have kids.
Praying with my whole soul, that I would find completion in marriage and children.
Boy was I in for a wake up call.
I was struggling with co-dependency, people-pleasing, addictive behaviors, acting out behaviors and using maladaptive coping mechanisms.
I felt stuck, lost, confused, uncertain, lacking, wanting, needing and always searching for answers.
I pleaded with God and got on my knees and cried out, please release me from these strongholds and bring me home.
I wanted love, peace, freedom and healing, I got the idea that marriage would be the answer and while I was correct in one way, it did not happen the way I thought.
Marriage, kids and divorce and what I've chosen to learn from these experiences have brought me to where I am now.
Before I got married I was exiting a relationship with an addict who was in and out of recovery.
I was 27 years old.
I KNEW I wanted to "get married and have kids."
When I first saw my now ex, I knew he was the one it would happen with.
3 months later I was pregnant and 5 months later I was married.
The way it all manifested is a conversation for another day.
In this container of marriage, I was beginning to embark on a journey of learning self - respect, honesty, trust, humility, service and gratitude.
Learning to break out of co-dependency and into a dynamic of interdependence, my marriage was showing me where I end and where someone else begins, what is my responsibility and what is NOT my responsibility.
It showed me to my fears and insecurities where I learned to face my jealousy and let it go.
It showed me where I needed to stand further in my power and convictions.
I lost myself in my marriage and becoming a mom to then learn to gain myself again in an entirely new way, which I am currently in the process of doing, as I believe we all are throughout our lives, if we choose.
Before I got married and had children I sought out validation and approval from others.
I wanted to be seen and heard instead of listen, I didn't understand when I didn't get my way and I took everything personally, I was emotionally immature.
There was this lingering deep seated fear of abandonment and rejection.
I was behaving from a place of LACK, I was a victim to it all.
Nothing was ever enough, so I attracted a partner who reflected that to me.
I could NEVER DO enough for this person.
No matter what I said or did it was not enough and I felt hopeless and helpless in my life.
Like I was spinning my wheels and going nowhere.
I was so "other" focused. I was NOT taking responsibility for myself, my life and my circumstances.
I was blaming others and I was a victim.
So, I attracted a partner that reflected that to me.
I wanted so much to be a source of inspiration and excitement for those I encountered, I did not even think about being that source of inspiration and pleasure for myself.
How could I, as a victim of my circumstances, every time I tried to have any enjoyment of and with myself it was deemed "selfish," with negative connotations, I felt guilty and helpless.
As a mother, society acts as if we need to be "sacrificial," or else deemed "bad mom."
Mothers do sacrifice, their bodies, minds, nervous systems and time, but mothers should not sacrifice CARING for themselves in a way that ALLOWS them to care for others.
There is this celebrated picture of an overworked stressed mom who hasn't slept and needs coffee to survive, as if it is the picture of how it is, and as if its the only way.
There are other options.
If you feel guilty for taking care of yourself that is the first thing to get out of.
LET GO of guilt for doing what is BEST for yourself.
When we come face to face with our narratives and subconscious programming we can say, "Oh, that is interesting."
There is no need to attach to it and claim it.
In fact we can choose not to claim it.
Choose to claim something else, freedom, peace, ease, flow, rest, gratitude, fullfillment, joy, love, excitement and bliss.
So, how did I go from a place of hopeless, helpless, shell of a human being who had little to no confidence in myself and my abilities to beginning to become confident, assertive and co-creator of my life?
I had to take steps outside of what my subconscious programming deemed comfortable.
See, my idea of my comfort zone was not what I thought.
How could misery be my place of comfort?
Our comfort zone is what we have been accustomed to.
I discovered through self-reflection and analysis that, my "comfort zone" was the chaos and volitility of my marriage.
I had to make the difficult choice to step out of that marriage, so in 2019 I filed for divorce, which wouldn't be final till 2021.
Every step I took in a direction that I knew I wanted to go but felt uncertain was the breeding ground of growth.
It was my opportunity to see myself through difficulty and build my self-confidence and self-reliance.
I had NO idea HOW I would make my life work, leaving my marriage with 2 small children.
My son was 4 and my daughter was 2.
That is another story entirely.
I have been fortunate enough to have the assistance of people in my life who love me and for that I am eternally grateful and blessed.
Now, it's my 36th birthday on Sunday.
9 years have gone by and as I sit here at my computer writing about this story, It's as if a miracle has occured.
I woke up this morning and did some research and listened in on a zoom call to learn something new, something I LOVE so deeply, I went online live and did a meditation and stretch, something I LOVE so deeply to do, I had a nice breakfast and cup of coffee, something I LOVE so deeply to do.
To put these small peaceful & joyous moments into perspective for you as GREAT victories, I used to wake up stressed and irritated and hating myself and my life and not wanting to BE, because I was disrespectful to myself and I did not care for myself the way I needed to truly ENJOY the gift of LIFE.
By prioritizing self-care, gratitude practice, being present and allowing all things to flow from that place of fullness, I am seeing small signs of my visions arriving, and I am just getting started.
I WORK everyday to manage my nervous system, to be conscious of which emotions I am choosing as my baseline, to make sure my children have what they need, to make sure I have what I need and that I am doing everything I can for myself and the people around me.
I am doing it all CONSCIOUSLY and INTENTIONALLY.
The fact that I GOT to wake up today when I wanted and DO the things I LOVE to do, is not a "SPONTANEOUS MIRACLE."
I am who I am and I am where I am today because of the people I've humbly asked to assist me and the consistent intentional internal work I have done with myself and God.
It was choosing one difficult path over the other, again and again, one direction (comfortable path) offering me confusion & misery and the other (uncertain path) peace & freedom.
So I encourage you today.
CHOOSE the thing that will bring you the RESULTS you desire, even if and especially when it is HARD.
The more I have done this the more trust and confidence I have gained in my ability to see myself through any challenge life throws at me.
No matter what happens, I can rely on my ability to tap into infinite source through my consistent routines & practices.
Say it with me:
"The more I care for myself, The more space & time I have to care for those I love."
If your purpose and mission is self-development, you care about improving your relationship to spirit, yourself and others, you're just beginning and you want someone to hold space for you and assist you in identifying limiting beliefs and blocks, you need assistance developing and establishing routines, and come up with a strategy to move through it all, I've got you.
From one mother to another, you CAN do this.
Allow me to assist you in bringing you back HOME to yourself.
The iron sharpening iron journey starts, NOW.
Check out my offerings page and click on the link where I offer you a 15 min consultation.
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