It's been coming up about people in Los Angeles lately who pretend like everything's fine when it's really not. I'm not gonna pretend like everything's great all the time because it's just not. Some days you have days where it's like yesterday's vlog post where I was breathing in and out white light and energy which I actually had to watch for myself this morning. Right now, actually I just got done watching it and doing what I told everyone else to do. Breathing in positive energy and breathing out all the negativity and anxieties. I've never been a person to have anxiety in my life before and at this point in my life I'm experiencing anxiety pretty much daily. I just feel like I'm under a tremendous amount of pressure and I have a lot of stress and responsibility.

PRACTICE: BEing in the moment. 

The clouds today are absolutely beautiful. Where I have to get back to is the feeling of gratitude. When I find myself in this state, I'm looking outside I can see how beautiful the clouds are.

Pause Your Running Mind:Breathe.

I am ashamed of myself this morning. I am ashamed of myself this morning because I told my husband that I hated him. I am better than that. I am better than losing it. Been trying to keep it together and at some point, it all builds up and you just finally explode and you lose it. I want to be honest about this. I want to be honest and I want to be R.A.W. (Real. Aware. Wise.) I want people to know how it is for real in marriages, with children. So, we get back to gratitude, we get back to the heart center, we get back to the truth. We get back to the actual truth not the false truths. We get back to what's real. What you can't see but what you know. What you can't see but what you know. I have a purpose on this planet. One thing I know to be true is YOU have a purpose on this planet. It's true for me. I believe. This is what I believe. I believe that each and every one of us has a purpose on this planet. When we find ourselves in these downtrodden circumstances. It's not an excuse anymore. In this day and age, people have come from the worst backgrounds and the worst experiences and come and made something of it. Made an impact. Made their bad experience, positive. I watched this story last night about this girl who got stabbed 32 times by her boyfriend who she had domestic violence issues with. He pushed her down a hill, he punched her, he choked her. during their relationship. That was the last straw when he punched her. Then he convinced her to meet with him one last time to give him a hug for closure. This guy stabbed this woman 32 times. He stabbed her to death and she survived. She lived to tell that story and she became an advocate for women against domestic violence. She died multiple times. She had to get revived.

When someone tells you, they can't trust you. Really, who can you trust? Who can you trust in this world really? Who can you trust? Who can you depend on? This is why I always go back to my Higher power. I always go back to trusting something greater. People within this world are untrustworthy it's a matter of fact. Even the most trustworthy people, or the people who are supposed to be the most trustworthy. Those are the people that are lying, those are the people who are programming us. Tell me if this makes sense to you? Our television night time programming has advertisements for diabetic medication with side effects such as Pancreatitis, or Lumps in your neck, or if you have trouble breathing. I don't see how medication that gives you a side effect like that is any help to anybody.

A lot of times we know what we need, we know what's good for us but we choose to live in the same cycles, that we are used to that we are comfortable in. I'm done. I'm fucking done. I'm done living in the same cycle that I am comfortable with. Should I lie or should I tell the truth. Should I steal or cheat or live in abundance. Should I mask my emotions or should I feel them through. Honestly right now I really want some Xanax. I really want some anxiety medication because I have been experiencing more anxiety right now than I ever have in my life.

I have to be strong for my children. I have to be strong for myself. I now have to be strong for my husband as well. Who is going to be strong for me? That's why I have to go back to my higher power I have to lift it up I have to. There is no other option there is no other place to turn. I have friends sure, I can turn to other humans but ultimately the only person who is going to be there thick n thin is God. Whatever you want to call your God. That's who's gonna be there. Lord I give it to you. I have to! There is nothing else I can do now. Surrender. I can't tell you how long I've been praying for the strength to surrender. I was holding on so tightly to everything, to control. Everything. I'm a huge control freak. You can't control everything, you can't control other people, you can't make other people happy. We can barely make ourselves happy how are we supposed to make everyone around us happy? People pleasing, it doesn't work.

Well that person did it first. Well it doesn't make it any better or right. Honestly sometimes I do feel like that, hit me I'll hit you back. Why, when your spouse is supposed to be standing there with you as your support. You're supposed to be standing there with them as their support. You can't support somebody if they don't support themselves. If someone doesn't want your help, if they're not letting you help them then you can't. You can't do anything. Being helpless is such a huge trigger for me. Helplessness is a huge trigger for me.

I'll get back to you with more research.

Learned Helplessness:

feeling of permanent helplessness which typically arises after exposure to an unpleasant event or stimuli which the person observing or involved usually doesn't have any control over their participation.

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